I thought my love was enough… to love you, to defend you, to wait for you…But now I realized that it isn’t anymore… and it’s not enough for me to even love me… that’s why I’ve found myself someone who can love me enough… and he is.
Please, forget me and forgive me
If forgetting and forgiving are always that easy to do
He knew that it was embarrassing for a 42 year old grown man to be sulking and locking himself inside his room, but he just couldn’t help it.
‘It’s my fault, oh gosh, it’s my fault! I shouldn’t have… I really shouldn’t have…’
Junsu buried himself further inside the cocoon he had made from his blanket.
His heart was still beating thunderously after the shocking event this afternoon. And he was supposed to feel ashamed of that… Really, a married man receiving a love confession from another grown man? Wasn’t it a complete abomination?
But why all he felt was a shy excitement? His heart was beating fast, his cheeks were flushed, and his hands were trembling. He was 42 years old for goodness sake! And not he was acting like his 15 years old daughter.
And it was his fault.
He shouldn’t have let himself rebuild the… friendship between him and Yoochun again. He shouldn’t have let his body to feel comfortable again when he was with him. He shouldn’t have let himself grw closer to the other man.
But he was lonely, lonely and sad… and after Yunho was gone, he felt so lost… and Yoochun was patient, he was familiar, he was understanding… he was always there.
6 months after Yunho’s passing, he had somehow… started to talk to Yoochun again. It was surprisingly easy for them to meet, to start talking… Too easy for two people who supposed to have lost contact for the past 15 years and some. But Yoochun was Yunho’s business acquaintance and a stockholder in Junsu’s children school and Junsu’s mother-in-law’s business partners and…
Their conversations started awkwardly as expected. Polite inquiry about Junsu’s growing up children, questions about the project Yunho was supposed to be doing which was now allocated under Yoochun’s responsibility.
Which slowly changed to what would Junsu do when his 4 children were busy with their own ‘teenagers’ activity and what would Yoochun eat that night since his housekeeper had asked for a holiday…
And gradually changed to how about they visited Yoochun’s parents’ grave together again after so many years and would Junsu mind coming over to his house since Yoochun had just accidentally ordered too much take out which was accidentally Junsu’s favourite…
He swore that he wasn’t trying to be like before… he had no thoughts of becoming lovers again with Yoochun… He considered that he was Yunho’s and always be Yunho’s alone.
But what was this? His body and his heart and betrayed his resolution. Worse still, they betrayed his promises to Yunho.
He really should burn in hell…
But now… his body was instead burning from the excitement… the desire… No thanks to Yoochun’s sudden confession during dinner.
“I never know that nowadays you can cook this well!” Junsu exclaimed in surprise as he slurped the last forkful of pasta in his plate, earning an indignant protest from Yoochun.
“Hey, I can always cook, okay?!” The other man raised his fork at Junsu to make his point, which unfortunately, only elicit a giggle from the slightly younger man.
“Yeah, right! I still remember that the last time you tried to cook something you nearly burn the whole house…” his voice suddenly trailed off as their topic of conversation touched back on the forbidden topic… the past.
Awkward silence occupied the house for a few seconds before Junsu tried to open his mouth to change the topic of the conversation and lightened the mood up.
“Junsu-yah…” apparently Yoochun had beaten him to it. He wanted to grin back as usual but…
The other man looked pensive… and then somber… and then… he slowly made his way to Junsu.
He should have walked off, should have immediately left. His mind was screaming at him about the possible scenarios of what Yoochun might do to him, things that might changed his, their live completely.
But he stayed.
He stayed still when Yoochun stopped beside him. He didn’t move when the other man suddenly knelt beside him. He could only blinked when Yoochun finally took his hand and held him tightly.
Tightly but gently…
A sensation that could only be provided by him alone…
“Junsu-yah… I, I really don’t want to ruin our… friendship… or the thing that we currently have right now…”
A tighter grasp on his hand… like Yoochun tried to draw strength from him.
“B, but I… this past one and a half year with you… It has been a total bliss for me… I know that it might sounds very selfish for me but I…”
And it was all Junsu could do to stifle his gasp as Yoochun raised his head and looked at him directly.
There was only love, pure love that he could see inside Yoochun’s eyes. Tenderness, gentleness, possessiveness… promises of the future together…
With him. With Yoochun.
(A delayed future that he had thought that would always be his before, but…)
End of Flashback.
Even now, his heart still couldn’t stop beating. Although his head and his thought had continuously cursing at him, but he just couldn’t help to replayed the scene in his mind.
‘Oh my God, oh my God… he loves me? He still loves me? After all of this time he still loves me? Yah Jung Junsu! Get a hold of yourself…’
And it doused him completely. Jung Junsu… He was not a Kim Junsu anymore. He was a Jung Junsu, and he had made a promise to always love the man he had tied his body, mind and soul forever… He could not, should not and would not forget that… never… Even if his heart screamed that his heart might already make another space for Yoochun now.
‘I can’t… I can’t…’ He hugged himself, trying to isolate himself from the reality, and his eyes zeroed on his wedding photo with Yunho.
“Yunho-yah… Help me please… I don’t know what to do…”
“Appa! Appa! Junsu-appa!!” Jung Rei Na pounded the door in frustration. Seriously, her father had acted more hormonally than her sister who had just hit her puberty. Dashing home and locking himself inside the bedroom, really?
Sang Ho nudged his sister who just shrugged her shoulders. “No response,” She grumbled. “He’s obviously sulking! And he’s 42 years old, for goodness sake! Shouldn’t old people be mature and more rational about this?” She continued.
Her oppa just grinned. “You know what appa said, Junsu-appa is always a kid on the heart,” He joked. But his expression quickly turned back to serious. “Go and talk to Yoochun-sshi… I’ll try to do damage control here… That old man must surely think that appa has just rejected him again!”
Although complaining him being a slave driver, his younger sister complied without too much fuss to try to call Yoochun and talked him some sense before the other man tried to off his life this time from heartbreak.
‘Adults….’ He sighed and knocked the door again.
“Appa, stop being childish and open the door, will you?” Silence.
The 18 years old boy sighed. “Okay, don’t blame me if Jin ho destroyed your figurine collection downstairs. I’m going to let him loose this time,”
That earned a small shout.
The oldest Jung rolled his eyes. ‘Parents? Really?’
“If you are not opening this now, I’m calling Yoochun-sshi and telling him that you’re behaving like a schoolgirl with a crush! And that you’ve accepted his confession!”
The door slammed open to reveal a pale Junsu.
“H, how do you…”
“Know that Yoochun-sshi confessed to you?” The way he rolled his eyes reminded Junsu that he really shouldn’t let his children to spend too much time with Shim Jaejoong or his spawns. Bad influence.
“I know because I’m the one who told him to,”
That cause Junsu to drop his jaw. “What…why…how???” he spluttered incoherently before settling to a simple statement. “You’re asking me to cheat on your appa?!”
This was the start of the dangerous ground, Sang Ho knew. One little mistake might cause his father to simply hole up and closed his heart forever, just because he wanted to prove that he was a loyal husband to Jung Yunho.
“Appa, stop using Yunho-appa as an excuse,”
“Sang Ho, stop it. You don’t know…”
“Yes I do. Appa would want you to be happy… to start opening your heart again… especially to Yoochun-sshi.” A firm answer.
“No! You don’t understand…”
“I may still be a kid, appa. But even I understand that you’ve been wasting your life away ever since Yunho-appa passed away! And even Hee Na could see that Yoochun-sshi is the one that had cheered you up, lightening you up… he makes you happy!”
Junsu just looked away.
This was taken as a good sign by the eldest Jung and he reached forward to hug his father. “Please appa… We just want to see you happy, okay? You’re not cheating on Yunho-appa. He wants you to be happy… and if it means to be together with Yoochun-sshi, so be it!” Whatever it took to make his appa understood that he would never disappoint them… Hell, even his grandparents had politely inquired about Junsu’s state and subtly implying that they would give him their permission to start living again.
After all, 2 years of mourning was more than enough. People should never forget the dead, but they need to learn to move on.
“Appa… Please? Just try with Yoochun-sshi… If it doesn’t work out, we won’t push you… But please, don’t deny yourself this chance just because you are afraid of betraying Yunho-appa…”
Junsu sighed and pulled himself out from his son’s embrace. ‘Kids did grow up too fast,’ he thought. He never imagined that it was his son who would be giving him advice on his love life…
“I understand… I’ll talk to Yoochun-sshi later, okay?” He managed to smile weakly and pushed his son lightly. He still needed time to sort his own feelings and thought. But the fact that his children supported him did lighten his heart tremendously.
Sang Ho nodded and was about to walk to the door and grab the knob when Junsu’s question stopped him. “You said you’re the one to tell him to confess to me?”
The youth grinned slightly and turned to look at his father. “Yeah… almost half a year ago I think… he’s just as scared as you to really take a step further than friendship. I just told him that we don’t mind and Yunho-appa certainly doesn’t mind too… After all, he’s the one who told us to ask Yoochun-sshi to look after you…”
With that he closed the door, leaving the shocked Junsu behind.
‘Half a year ago?’ That was when their friendship had changed from friendly inquiry about Junsu’s daily schedule to… the suggestion to visit Yoochun’s parents’ grave together…
And to know that Yunho had been the one to ask their children to play matchmaker…
Junsu was overwhelmed with the sensation of being loved.
And now he finally knew what to do.
HAHAHAHAH finally... my exam is dooone! and I just realised that I made this story quite short and also quite fast paced with a lot of fast forward... so maybe I'll do some extra chapters to explain the process if I have time and if people ask for it... like how how Junsu and Yoochun started to talk to each other etc... hahaha. II'm really sorry that this story seemed very rushed T_T... Seems like nowadays I have lesser and lesser time to write. hahha
so now the holidays have started and I will start my trip then continued with internship. Of course, I'll still try to write as much as I can... but for now, after this story, consider that it will be I short hiatus? hehehehr
so hopefully you enjoy this chapter as well... please don't forget to comment too!