I thought my love was enough… to love you, to defend you, to wait for you…But now I realized that it isn’t anymore… and it’s not enough for me to even love me… that’s why I’ve found myself someone who can love me enough… and he is.
Please, forget me and forgive me
If forgetting and forgiving are always that easy to do
He knew that he was just torturing himself… by watching Junsu with his husband.
One thing that he had lost and might never attain…
Not after the betrayals he had inflicted upon Junsu.
But still, he kept his position… hovering around the life of the perfect pair of lovebirds… inside their social circle… As Jung Yunho’s business partner, as Jung Haelim’s (Yunho’s mother) social guest, as a stock holder of Jung Yunho’s children’s school…
Keeping his position in the shadow… observing, waiting, but never demanding…
Although his heart broke piece by piece every time he saw Junsu flash a loving smile at his husband… as he caressed the man’s hands tenderly, as he glowed when he was bearing the man’s seeds…
As their family had grown more and more complete as more little Jungs joined the perfect happy family…
And he watched and observed… silently… silently… blending to the shadow but was omnipresent.
Sparing a polite smile whenever Junsu spotted him (which was returned by a quick frightened gaze by the other man… and the sight of those broke his heart much more than the sight of Junsu’s happiness with Yunho…), he spent his time following the other man with a discrete gaze as usual.
He watched as Yunho stumbled upon his step and Junsu immediately caught him and gently led him to sit on one of the comfortable chair. It had been 15 years, but the 40-year-old Junsu seemed to be as beautiful as his 22 year-old self…
‘And as gentle and tender too…’ Yoochun noticed the way he tended to his weaker husband.
Call him monstrous… call him heartless… but he couldn’t help the slight feeling of happiness when he learned that Jung Yunho contracted a terminal illness… a tiny little part of his heart saw it as an opportunity to finally get Junsu back…
Wasn’t it a gift from God for his patience in waiting for 15 years?
But after several years, he was forced to acknowledge that maybe even then Junsu would still refuse to spare him even a single glance. Throughout the most difficult period of their married life, he never saw Junsu waver, not even once.
He never complained, never left Yunho’s side, never failed to be gentle, never lost his temper (and Yoochun was forced to remember that he was at the receiving end of such graces before…)
Never lost his faith to Yunho.
‘Really, Park Yoochun…’ He chuckled bitterly at himself. ‘What exactly are you waiting for?’
The angel of your dreams would always remain that way… in your dreams.
But he just couldn’t stop waiting.
He was watching his husband again.
Although filled with pain almost every single moment of his days, Jung Yunho could still detect the longing glances thrown by Park Yoochun throughout the dinner party.
Not that it was something new.
As hard as the other man tried to make his fleeting stares subtle, Yunho had always realized that his husband had another eager pursuer… after all he was a possessive man…
But at the same time, he believed in Junsu… that the other man would never betray him, would never leave him alone…
And he knew that his decision to choose him as his spouse for life was not a mistake. Even when he was at his lowest point, Junsu never left him.
Not even when he lost his temper in frustration and spent a full week barking on anybody who crossed his path.
Not even when he was in deep depression because he felt so useless and he started to destroy anything in sight.
Not even when he could only lie pathetically on his back, the pain ravaging his body was too acute to ignore.
‘But’, He smiled as his husband tenderly took his hand and put a plate of fruit on it and asked him whether he wanted Junsu to feed him instead. He shook his head. ‘It is time for me to make him leave…’
He didn’t want Junsu to ever be alone… as much as the younger man showed his toughness throughout this whole ordeal, he knew firsthand how easy his husband could crumble in loneliness… in self depreciation…
Junsu always needed someone to support him.
And oh how he wished that it could be him forever… but he couldn’t… fate would take him earlier than he wanted to…
And even it killed him to do so, he knew that he couldn’t be egoistic and leave his angel suffering alone in this world…
Even if it killed him…
To give Park Junsu a chance to replace Jung Junsu…
“Jagiya…” He called out softly and couldn’t help the fond smile from spreading on his face as he saw Junsu immediately responding and going over to him.
“Hmm? Anything that you need, Yunho-yah?” He asked.
Yunho shook his head slightly but patted the space beside him. “Sit here with me?”
Junsu chuckled slightly but complied, reaching over to lean Yunho’s body to his side. “Feeling cuddly, Yunnie-ah? You looked so much better today,” He turned his head slightly to bury his face on Yunho’s hair.
He really didn’t want to give this up to someone else… Not Junsu’s tenderness… Junsu’s unique smell, Junsu’s fleeting caresses… Junsu’s playfulness… Junsu’s love…
“Jagiya…” He choked slightly on his words… “When I’m finally gone…” but he forced it out anyway.
“No!” Junsu spun over harshly, nearly knocking Yunho’s body to the side, but he quickly grasped it gently and stabilized him. Despite his gentle action, his expression was still firm.
“No, Yunho-yah… you are not going anywhere… You are going to stay here with me! Please don’t say something stupid like that!” He insisted.
Usually, Yunho would just let the matter slide… he didn’t want to make Junsu upset when he knew that his time was running short…
The problem was… he could sensed that his time was indeed running shorter and shorter… and he knew that he would hate himself for all eternity if he left his angel all alone in this world.
“No, Jagiya… Listen to me,” he used all the strength he possessed to grab Junsu’s chin firmly and forced him to look at his eyes. It pained him to see the brown pairs of eyes glittering with tears… but this needed to be done… No matter how hard Junsu denies it, Yunho could feel it in his bone… his time is coming soon…
“When I’m finally gone…” He repeated again, ignoring the soft pleading sounds from Junsu that begged him to stop doing this to him… to force the cruel reality and rip his fragile illusion apart. But Yunho plowed on.
“ I want you to open your heart again, okay? No Junsu, listen to me… I want you to start forgiving him…”
“Yes… Park Yoochun… please Junsu… I know that he still loves you… even for this past 15 years… He,” It took him all the resolution he had to finally said those words. “He would make you happy… when I already can’t…”
The head in his grasp shook stubbornly.
“No, No, No! He can never make me happy! Only you, you, Yunho! Only you can make me happy! Please don’t ask me that!!! I only love you… I don’t want to betray you… not ever!” By the end of his sentence, Junsu was already bordering being hysterical.
“No… He never loved me! Not like you do! He can never replace you… Yunho-yah… Don’t leave me… please… please?”
If only he could control his own life… Junsu never knew how often Yunho wanted to just collapse and yelle at the fate… the fate that gave him this disease… the one that would yank him away from every single person that he loves in this world…
“I never asked you to replace me with him, Su-yah…” he kept his voice gentle… just like several years ago, when he was the one who had taken the role of comforting the younger man… a role that had been interchanged far too many times when his disease had taken a turn to the worse. “But, I know that he had changed… so much from the person he was…” He caressed Junsu’s hair, feeling the body still shaking under his hand.
“He is not the same person who hurt you before, Su-yah… And I…It’s hard for me to decide on this too…but…” He planted a gentle kiss on Junsu’s nape.
“I want you to be happy… and I know that he can make you happy… if you let him in…” He pulled Junsu closer to his chest, feeling the man’s heartbeat steadying under his tight embrace.
“I’ve been so greedy… keeping you all to myself for this past 15 years… And now… when it is finally my time to go… maybe I should learn how to share…”
“Especially if that means that you will be happy even when I’m gone…”
He kept the last sentence to himself.
‘Especially when I know that he still holds a big part of your heart even after this long…’
And wasn’t it this true love? To learn how to share… although it tore you apart?
As long as he’s happy…
~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:A/N Sorry for the slow update (which getting slower and slower I guess hahaha) my reading week/study week for exam had been a hell... literally locking myself up in a study room for 8 to 10 more hours and study non-stop... so yeah... it's really killing me T_T I can't wait for next week and the next to be over... I can't even go and welcome Junsu in the airport because of this T_T hahaha
anyway, yeah, hopefully you'll enjoy this chapter as well... and hopefully it's not getting boring^^ hehehe. Thanks!