I thought my love was enough… to love you, to defend you, to wait for you…But now I realized that it isn’t anymore… and it’s not enough for me to even love me… that’s why I’ve found myself someone who can love me enough… and he is.
Please, forget me and forgive me
If forgetting and forgiving are always that easy to do
Not even a second of his gaze wavered away from the sight of the love of his life walking through the aisle…
Not even a second he let him away from his gaze… and if it was up to him, it would never be… Not after an eternity without feeling his presence by his side, listening to his laughter by his ear, enjoying his warmth beside his body.
But well… it was not up to him… it was never up to him and would never be up to him after he realized that he had driven Junsu away… too far away…
And he realized it far too late.
Yoochun watched numbly as Junsu finally took his place beside the tall handsome young man whose name was the name Yoochun wanted to possess the most right now, Jung Yunho.
No tears on his dry eyes… no more left, especially after the crying, sobbing, grieving, wailing marathon that he did for the past week, which left a trace in his swollen eyes.
No more… not after he realized that those tears could never bring Junsu back.
‘Nothing ever would,’ he whispered bitterly… ‘Not even after I fell on my knees to beg him to give me a second chance, to let me prove that I have changed…’
“Junsu…” He gulped at the sight of his lover (‘ex-lover’, his mind reminded him, but he dismissed it… not if his apology worked) that he had not seen for the past 3 years. “Y, you look good…”
Junsu smiled tiredly at him. “Thank you, Ch… Yoochun-sshi… What brings you here…?” It was clear that the other man was reluctant to talk to him… but Yoochun didn’t give him any other choice… He had done all he could to track the wedding invitation to its sender address and he had immediately made a visit to Junsu’s new house…
If only he could describe Junsu’s face when he saw him as ‘Pleasantly surprised…’ but well, that might be pushing his luck too far.
And it hurt more than he could have ever expected to hear the usual endearment changed to a mere formal addressing of “Yoochun-sshi”… Like the past 7 years between them had never existed in the first place… It nearly took him to bite his tongue to restrain himself to ask the other man to go back to “Chunnie-yah”.
It was not the proper time and place.
‘At least he still let me in…’ He told the tiny hope inside his heart not to die just yet… not yet.
“What is your purpose in coming here, Yoochun-sshi?” The formal, detached smile really itched Yoochun, but he couldn’t do anything about that anyway… so instead, he steeled himself and began his main purpose of getting Junsu back (before it was too late).
“Junsu… listen… Everything that happened 3 years ago… I, I can’t say how much I regret it… you deserved so much better from me… and I’m really really sorry for what I had done to you… I know that I hurt you badly… but… I still love you… I really do… I loved you 10 years ago, I loved you 3 years ago and even until now I still love you…, “ And he forced himself to lift his head to look at Junsu’s eyes. “And I believe that you still love me too…”
The rest of Yoochun’s apologies were swallowed inside his throat as Junsu’s impassive face finally cracked… to a bitter laugh.
“Y, you believe that I still love you Chunnie?” It was proof on how much his apology had distraught the other man since the formality had slipped from his mind. “You, “ he pointed at Yoochun. “You don’t know a single thing about me. You had not for so long…” He turned his body away from Yoochun’s shocked gaze. “I thought that I’ve said it clear enough… that my love is not enough anymore… it is barely enough for me to even love myself now… much less to love you…” Another bitter chuckle and Yoochun could feel that the tiny flickering hope in his heart had finally been extinguished completely.
“7 years with you had exhausted my love… drained it to the core…”
And what could a man say to respond to that kind of broken statement? It was as if your mere existence was enough to drive someone into deep depression…
He had drained Junsu’s love…
He tried to tell him he was sorry for that… that it was okay… because now Yoochun got enough love for both of them for a change…
But Junsu refused to hear anything else… he just keep pushing and pushing… and he finally closed the door on Yoochun’s face.
“Junsu!! Please… listen to me!! Junsu!”
“Stop it Yoochun!” A shout from behind the door. “Why can’t you just leave it, us, like this? Why can’t you just wish me happiness? Wish me happiness and move on!!”
“Like hell I can!” The pitiful lid he had forced to hold his temper was easily discarded. He pounded on the wooden door, cursing the thickness that made it stood still under his abuse. “I can never move on without you, Junsu-yah! I have always loved you… even when I didn’t act like it! I know I was an idiot before… for neglecting you… for taking your love for granted… but I’m sorry! And I have changed! Please Junsu… give me a second chance… please… please don’t marry him… I love you… love you…”
Only silence answered him from the other side of the door.
“Never Junsu-yah… I will never move on… I love you… always have and always will…” He whispered to the door, willing for his voice to be carried by the wind, the wood, the earth, to reach Junsu’s heart.
And from the other side of the door, Junsu wiped his tearing eyes forcefully. “You have moved on… even from way before, Park Yoochun,” He murmured bitterly.
End of flashback.
And now Yoochun could only watch as Junsu said his vows… stared as he smiled beatifically to his new husband, gazed as he watched them kiss…
And never stop cursing himself for being who he was 3 years ago.
Firstly, sorry for being so emo the last chapter! Secondly, sorry for the super long delay! hahaha, This week was super hectic that I didn't have time to write and post. In fact, I just came back from a 5 hours meeting for my project! hahaha
So yeah... two things to note: last chapter I forgot to credit my beloved purpleinpink for the plunny... also, this story is dedicated to you bb! hehehe. Secondly, I also forgot to thank my superb beta jihae_shii for being wonderful as usual and betain this story just like the 2 others^^
Lastly, I just want to say, thank you for all the encouragements when I was doubting our boys. Now that I've calmed down enough, I have set my mind to always keeping my faith and just enjoy the boys as usual since they definitely don't forget us! Even until now, they still shower us with treats... including Yoochunie's dramas, Susu's album, Jae's drama and Minnie's drama. hehehe
so yeah peeps! Enjoy and please comment!